Chutes and Ladders - The Real Game!

Have you ever seen a product or read something published and said out loud, "I could do that"? It happens to me all the time. I'm not going to lie - I've lost my desire to write. Whether this is due to the lack of anything happening in my everyday life or the disappearance of random plans, I'm not sure. Once I saw that it had been over a month since I wrote something, I felt like I had to re-evaluate my life so listed below are a bunch of random things I've been thinking about or had happen to me.

• Have you ever asked yourself what happens once you've watched everything you wanted to on Netflix? Yeah, it fucked with my head for a few days too. I didn't think I would be so disappointed in something I normally find to be so trivial but when Roomie Tom and I realized that we watched EVERY Law & Order episode on Netflix, we were actually sad.

We love you Jack McCoy!!!

        We even finished Star Trek: The Next Generation and it still didn't bum me out as much Law & 

        Order. Luckily Charlie has us hooked on "House of Cards" and the Crow and I are searching for  

        non-food documentaries since we are now both questioning out cheeseburgers and that is NOT 

        ok.

Don't worry baby, I still love you!

• Dealing with someone else's disappointment is something I was never good at. Don't get me wrong, I'm here for hugs and can actually listen sometimes but I'm a problem solver - my problem is trying to NOT solve problems. A good friend of mine had his education hopes for the year dashed, the Crow has a fucked up car that could jeopardize our road trip and everyone close to me seems to be in job search hell (even me in that case). Not even my awesome chili is cheering everyone up. It's a very "blah" feeling when you have enough to survive but not enough to do anything meaningful. So because I have nothing funny to say, here are a couple of TNG memes.

• This year will get better! People I like are getting married and having babies or following dreams or (such as the Crow and I), doing things we've always put off (traveling). The gang all seems to be on board with trying to improve body and mind. Hell, Tom and I are even going to Bikram Yoga (a future post, I promise). It's just a slow time of year (there isn't even any muni fights!) and things will get better, money will come and life will happen. One meme at a time. ;)

Anyone else stuck in the "nothing's happening" phase? Let me know in the comments how you plan on getting out!

Bad Haircuts, Nerdist, Super Bowl and Moving On

January sucks! No offense to anyone born in January it's just....the winter and I aren't friends. It's that constant reminder that you have to pay for everything you did in December, it's too cold to exercise (um yeah... that's it) and NO ONE looks good in puffer coats.

Nope, not even you bitch!

I was just about to write a full-sized rant about January when I realized wait...it's February. Ok, now we're getting somewhere. I had a lot planned during the first week of the month and...and...wait, the Niners DIDN'T win the Super Bowl!?! Oh dear, I'll start from the beginning.

I'm a creature of habit. In my OCD state (I'm using that as an excuse to cover up my cheap tendencies these days), I tend to go to the same places for everything. That's explains why I've been going to the same shitty hair salon for the past six years. They've even screwed up my hair before but since every stylist in San Francisco seems to be either: a) a way too flamboyant gay man who secretly hates women and has no problem giving them haircuts suitable for high school boys; or b) can speak six words of english and couldn't cut hair to save their lives. (* Side story: the Crow's hair is so thick that he went into one of the "b" labeled places and the woman barely said "what am I gonna do with this hair?" and she kicked him out). So unless you're able to shell out $250 (I am not), you take what you can get. Usually, I let it slide but after specifically asking to keep my length and realizing the bitch cut my hair to my shoulders, I snapped. When she asked how it looked, I actually told her the truth this time and left for good. Not a big deal for most people but I find myself giving the finger to many small businesses in SF these days - I hope 90% of you fail....this is why people to go Starbucks and Supercuts.

Ranting aside, I was able to enjoy seeing the Nerdist Podcast Live at Sketchfest later that night with the always enjoyable Capn Dick and missed taking a picture with/hugging Chris Hardwick....again.

I'll hug you one of these days Nerdist!

This is the third year that we've done this and it's becoming a Capn n' Commander tradition. One of these days I'll have enough money to go to more comedy shows but in the meantime, here is us a the show contemplating nerd things..

Heh heh, we have chins!

Then of course Sunday was the annual Super Bowl Party at the GPS which normally involves drunken mayhem, random Journey singing and Sports! (wait, that's every party I go to damnit)! However, today was very different - the Niners. Were. In. It. Unfortunately, we were too invested in the game to enjoy the festivities. I promised the Crow no fighting this year, so when the woman from the notorious "almost Super Bowl fight of 2012" started staring me down, I simply made fun of how old she was and she eventually left the bar (see honey, clean hands cuz I promised)! Aside from that, a dark cloud enveloped the bar at the end of the first quarter and we all seemed to know it was over. 

From the highest highs....

To the lowest lows...this is the remains of the cupcake of broken dreams (sorry Sonny)

I will say this no matter how much it pisses the loyalists off - the Niners played horribly and deserved to lose. It was so bad - the game, the toxic environment in the bar, the depression of the gang. I had to leave, it seems most of our gang at the table had the same feeling. It's sad because in that moment I knew that would probably the last game we would all watch together. 

I think the Crow summed it up best when I explained the whole weekend to him later that night: move on! Find different things to do with those you love that don't involve toxic environments, lots of money and bad haircuts. He's right and in the spirit of that, I've decided to start an urban hiking group on the weekends...and buy a new hat. ;)

The Playoffs, The Crow, The Witch and the Wardrobe

I have never dated anyone who liked sports. Hell, I wasn't even a sports fan until I moved down here and found myself watching plenty of football, hockey, baseball and golf....yes golf (gee, thanks Dad)! Yes, I enjoy watching sports with my friends: analyzing football with Charlie, talking Hockey with Tone; getting hi-fives for randomly wearing my Giants hat around (no matter how old you are, you never pass up a hi-five). So when I found that the Crow is very much a non-sports fan, it didn't bother me - I can watch sports with my friends. It's a non-issue...until it became an issue.

This weekend was the NFC/AFC playoff games where two of my favorite NFL teams won in spectacular fashion and will go on to play one of the best Super Bowl matches ever! However, before the games even began, I was knocked down with a lingering cold. The kind that makes it uncomfortable to be in enclosed spaces (you know, like a BAR). Since the Crow was sick as well, we were going to take it easy this weekend with (my goal) being to make it to the GPS to watch the game with Charlie, Tone, Leanna and the Woo! Girls. This was important to me and I did what I could to get better. The Crow couldn't understand why I would sacrifice my health for something as "stupid" as a football game. Now normally, my volatile nature would have me pull a Jim Harbaugh and throw a chair across the room or yell at the Crow like Jimmy yells at the refs.

Just. Like. That.

But, as part of growing up and (gulp) respecting my partner's opinion, I calmly (no seriously, I was calm) explained that while football wasn't important to him, it was part of a ritual with my friends that was important to me. A time where we can all be excited and cheer towards a common goal. Plus, because of possible future developments, it could be the very last time the football gang as I define it will be together. After that, we put aside the conversation realizing nothing was going to be resolved that day. I had trouble understanding why it bothered him so much - he's always invited and everyone loves him but it came to me in my sleep. It was the same reason why I don't like going to watch him jam with his band - I'm not getting anything out of it. The person I go for is distracted and there's nothing for me to do. 

I woke up the day of the games ready to admit that I saw his point when he asked, "do you want a ride to the bar? You don't want to be late, do you"? I jumped into his arms and said thank you - turns out he had the same analogy in his head too. "You come to practice with me smiling and trying to learn even though I know it's not your thing. I can live with you being a sports fan", he said smiling. With that, he drove me to the bar where I watched one of the best playoff games I've ever seen. The Crow even sent me a text asking about the score even though he didn't care...that's love baby! So I got to enjoy my day, not get anyone sick and watch the Niners go to the Super Bowl. Excellllentttttt.

Tone and the Wooooo! Girls...rocking the GPS since 2010!

New Years Eve...yes, still with Journey Damnit!

I promised myself last year that I wouldn't allow Journey to bum their way into my New Years Eve party. But some asshole in San Francisco at ALL TIMES feels the need to put a Journey song on every. jukebox. ever. And tonight was no exception.

That means YOU Steve Perry!!

On that note, it was a more subdued holiday this year. So much so, that it's taken me three weeks to write this. I wanted a party like last year, a bar hopping extravaganza with special guests B-Money and Colby, with appearances by the WHOLE GANG and introducing Leanna - the love of Tony's life. Sadly, it was not meant to be. Let's just say the Holiday season put a sour taste in everyone's mouths and no one was feeling up to bar hopping on a Monday night. Hell, not even I was feeling it this year and I had the Crow...why couldn't he be in my fabulous introduction? Because there was no crowd this year - the gang were sick, or working, or broke, or headed to another shindig. At the end of the day only Tom, Charlie, the Crow and I survived. Not a bad group to have if I say so myself and because even we were on the fence, in the words of Eddie Izzard, "you're British, so scale it down a bit".

 Possibly one of the funniest comedy specials ever!! And Action Transvestites!! And filmed in SF!! Ok, I'll stop.

So in an effort to listen to one of the greatest comics ever, we decided to stay at one bar and celebrate there. I chose the Blackthorn Tavern (a frequent guest in my stories for the past year) because: 1) they take credit cards; 2) there's a pool table; 3) easy access for drunk homies to get home. We showed up around 8 pm and it was dead...absolutely dead. I questioned whether or not I was even in San Francisco at that point. Even the Crow was looking for homeless guys outside just to make sure there wasn't a tsunami warning we may have missed. Luckily, Tom and Charlie suggested pool and after Tom paid a dollar for the table that was actually free (tee hee), we played...and played...and played.

                              Tom/Charlie - 1: Crow/Commander - 0      Commander/Tom -1: Charlie/Crow - 0

Tom/Crow - 1: Charlie/Commander - 0

So I'm an average pool player at best. Luckily, around 11 people started showing up and we were officially drunk. New Years party hats were passed around, crass jokes were told and we could still do better math than the bimbo bartender who kept trying to give us the wrong change (and who said brunettes can't be bimbos)? We wished more of our friends could be there but at the same time, it was nice to spend time in smaller group - focus on everyone. So, in pictorial order is how the evening progressed:

 I could have added captions but I almost think it's funnier to wonder. We ended up having a good time and no one made any New Years Resolutions! Hell, I was so drunk that I even sang along to "Don't Stop Believing" when the manditory person put it on the jukebox (Im....so ashamed)!

So after a drunken bus/train ride home involving the following: a guy wandering down the train tracks in the tunnel which paused all trains; one of us repeatedly telling the cops in said tunnel that they were drunk...you know, just so they were aware of our drunkenness; same person standing on a wrapped tampon (not as gross as you think) and a narrow avoidance of a possible race riot. There was no Star Trek: The New Generation watching that night as we all immediately hit the sack.

Low key, funny and (most importantly for the Crow and I) our first New Years together. As we were drifting off to sleep he said, "that was fun. We should do that next year! You can just threaten everyone, they'll come". Maybe, but all good things have to come to an end and besides - there's more to explore than drunken hijinks in the Inner Sunset....we still have Polk Street!

In closing, here's a picture of a Bacon Bloody Mary....because I can

#21 - The Avocado Milkshake

I love weird food challenges - even as a little kid I always wanted to be in a pie eating contest (and was)! There are those times where you'll see something on a menu or you'll hear about a food from your crazy stoner friend that really makes you consider trying something you normally wouldn't. Let's go back a few months when our hero and Gangster Tom wandered into what appeared to be a cute little 50's style diner at the end our street. We were warned by Charlie not to do go in here but my friends aren't the most reliable when it comes to things like this. Inside we were bombarded by boxes of food everywhere, decaying booths and handwritten signs for Vienamese foods. We were confused...it was Asian owned but come on. Egg rolls with your breakfast? Still, I saw the sign for an Avocado Milkshake and immediately brushed it off as gross. Out of my mind....until, the Crow and I ventured in one night and I brought it to his attention. "You should try it. You like weird crap like that", he said over the worst grilled cheese sandwich ever (seriously, how do you fuck up grilled cheese)? So, after prompting from the Crow and a horrified look from Tom, I ventured to try the Avocado milkshake. I actually looked somewhat appealing.

I can pretend it it's mint??

 I have never tasted anything like this in my life. Not necessarily good but...weird. I didn't think ice cream could not be sweet. It tasted like avocado which was...ok at least until you reached the bottom of the glass there the chunks live!

Say it with me...ewwwww

Verdict - I'm glad I can say I did it...but I never need to again. I'll leave my avocados to my eggs dammit!

Commander and Tone vs. The Gym...

*Cue Rocky Training music....*

The gym and I have had a rough relationship. I was a really active kid and thought I would have that endurance forever. Ha! It took years for me to realize it's just not as fun running around by yourself. I first started going to the gym with my dear friend the Capn back in the dark ages (pre-move to SF) while we were both lazy, bored pizza slingers. We would hit 24hr Fitness late at night with the truly obese of Folsom - watching Adult Swim and chatting together as we rode stationary bikes. It was sooooo fun.

It's still debatable how helpful it was to me but it started the Capn on body transformation (yes, you look awesome my friend). Over the years, I tried off-and-on doing the gym thing - eavesdropping on personal trainers for tips, getting kicked in the face in pilates, being downwind of the guy farting on the treadmill. For the most part, I just don't have the motivation to do it alone. Luckily, Tone has also wanted to get in shape. For the past year, we've been going to the gym together. I have to use the term "going" loosely - we haven't been the best at it in awhile.

In an attempt to show you how out of shape we are, I've provided my rendition of what we hope to achieve from this.

Before the Gym...

file photo - I'm hiding a big ass under there

After the gym...

Wow! Check out my man ring! Tone, you look good...

Ok seriously, my love for 'The Expendables' aside, my "brotha from another mother" and I are way too out of shape to continue pretending we're not. I've acknowledged my problem exercising alone (that is, I won't do it. I'll crap out and eat a bag of chips) and Tone has a time problem (the gym is a long way from his house). Still, we are determined damnit!....right? RIGHT??

Unfortunately, time has kicked our asses. Tone works constantly but I have no excuse - the gym is a block from my job. I'm trying to make it worth my money but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do. I can't believe I'm saying this - I think the gym won! Maybe not permanently but enough to make us re-think our strategy. Like Rocky...we'll fight back. For motivation, I have this printed on the wall of my desk at work.

I've only seen fat guys wear these...

#12 - The Commuter Bike..

Thanks to the Crow and the advent of Christmas, I now have a commuter bike - complete with badass bike lock and lights suitable for Market Street traffic. Now, I just have to create the endurance that won't make me look like the fat kid in gym class trying to run the mile (complete with wheezing)! One down, 29 to go....

Even "Gangster" Tom is impressed!