Condensed Milk of the Last Six Months…without that sticky feeling!

"You're still here!" an excited young hipster told me one day while I was riding the L-train to work. He looked vaguely familiar but so does every skinny, dark haired guy in his mid-20's with a beard and a flannel - this is hipster haven after all. My mornings consist of listening to Rob, Arnie and Dawn and sipping my coffee or lemon water trying not to get coughed on by the sickly elderly Chinese people who always make it a point to sit thisclose to me on the train - not conversing with excited hipsters.

Scene on any BART or MUNI train on any given day….

I asked if I knew him and he excitedly said, "I saw you everyday on the N-Judah when I was going to  college six years ago - you look exactly the same and I love those glasses, did you get them at Urban Outfitters?" First things first - fucking hipsters! I mean really, the thought of my glasses being real never once crossed his mind? Second, have I really not changed in six years? Longer? How old was this "kid"? Once I told him he could get them at Target and he scoffed saying that place was "too corporate" (obviously he hasn't read up on his beloved Urban Outfitters lately - doesn't get much more corporate than shareholders ), I thought about the past few years. I've done a lot dammit! Here's a list of the crap I was able to do in just the last six months:

• I bought a brand new car! His name is Klaus Von Kobiyashi and he's a German letter daddy in a Japanese body. He likes when men drive him and playing techno music. Also gets pissed when I listen to sports-talk radio. Yay good credit!

Wholly shit! I didn't have to steal it or anything!

• I got a new job! Granted, it's in the same industry that I'm pretty over but it's more money and I get to work with people my own age again. Bonus - learning that I cannot tolerate alcohol like I used to and that not many people like their jobs. There's a camaraderie in that.                                           .
• The Crow moved in with Tom and I. We're having fun but our "bungalow at the beach" is a little cramped. Still debating on the next move for everyone. With how fucked up San Francisco real estate is, we could be living in someones walk-in closet in six months. Still, it's nice having our little family - unfortunately, I still do most of the cleaning.                                                                 .
•  I've found a renewed sense of exploration. I haven't gotten out much in the past year but it's time to explore more, have more adventures and bitch about hipsters…again. Also planning an international trip that I'll tell you guys more about later.

So that's where I am - new adventures, same gang, new car. Now if I can just find out who has been peeing on my back tire at night...

30 Before 30 Recap…Looking Like An Ass In Front of A Live Studio Audience!

As of today, I have been 30 for about six months and I…um…kind of accomplished a lot. Who am I kidding, here's the recap of an ambitious list created by a woman who lost all ambition.

30 Before 30 List 

1. Travel Internationally at least once (Commander and the Crow: World Tour baby!) - PASS - I'm going to claim Canada counts
2. Get New Job (boring!) - PASS - mo' money, mo' problems (more in a later post)
3. Do Bikram Yoga everyday day for two weeks straight (hopefully that's what it will take to clear out all the wine from New Years). - FAIL - Tom and I got 3 days before passing out….ok, I passed out. But we did use our Groupon and I felt less like an alcoholic. Moving on…
4. Pass CAPM exam so my "Personal Development" classes will be worth something. PASS - but decided I didn't have the patience to do this job. Regardless, another line on the resume. In retrospect - I should have kept the money.
5. Run a 10 minute mile (for those who laugh: I. Do. Not. Run. This will be a pain in the ass). - EPIC FUCKING FAIL - I'm not a runner. I don't even know why I keep putting this on the list….
6. Do not forget a single 30th Birthday in my group of friends (yay calendars!) - PASS - ha ha, we're old!
7. Eat a 5x5 from In n' Out Burger and a giant Neapolitan Shake (woo hoo!) - PASS
8. Finish watching every single episode of "Star Trek - The Next Generation" including the subsequent movies. PASS - sadly though, I remember like 3 episodes and I think it burst the Crow's bubble of realizing his favorite childhood show does indeed…suck. It's why I refuse to ever watch another episode of "Night Court" ever again! Don't meet your childhood heroes kids.                          
   
                                                                                        I love you Dan Dan Fielding!!!                                                           
9. Get new driver's license picture where I'm smirking - PARTLY FAIL - I got a new drivers license picture but forgot about doing this and now just look like a really young version of my Mom…I can't believe I just admitted that.
10. Be able to hike (real nature hike) with the Capn - FAIL - rolled over to next year….or this year I guess.
11. Host a dinner with the SF crew where you do ALL the cooking (no passing off Chinese food as your creation!) - PASS - I'm good at roasting stuff, who knew? 
12. Get commuter bike and begin to ride the very, very long ride to work (bonus: awesome calf muscles) - PASS?? - I have the bike but can only go about a quarter of a mile without dying. Um, cough, I guess I'll have to work on that.
13. Go to all you can eat sushi place with Charlie - try to not throw up - PASS - we kicked ass and took names! Names of the sushi chefs that is. Hey Tako!
14. Drink a bottle of very expensive wine with B-Money (don't worry homie, it'll be red) - FAIL - on the list for next time
15. Get huge group photo of gang to hang in my living room (clothing optional) - PASS - took this on my 30th birthday and it's hanging in my bedroom since it's impossible to nail anything into our living room walls which I think are made from millions of plastic grocery bags crammed into a wall. Chinese construction and all….
16. Get back to my "fighting weight" just in case I'm attacked by hipsters or crackheads (again) - FAIL - I'm currently the largest I've ever been but that's a battle for another time. I won't give up….mmmmm donuts….
17. Become better swimmer - PARTIAL FAIL - went rafting a few times but gave up the swimming classes since it was just me and 25 people over 60. 
18. Give up buying coffee for six months (gotta fund the World Tour account somehow). - FAIL - what the fuck was I thinking?
19. Go to every touristy place in Golden Gate Park (be able to give directions) - PASS - like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I had the ability to do this all along.
20. Walk from the Embarcadero to Ocean Beach in one shot - FAIL - gonna try again
21. Try avocado milkshake - PASS - THIS SUCKED!
22. Go ice skating again - try not to break neck - FAIL - I forgot I hate the cold
23. Support City College - take a random class for the hell of it (NO BUSINESS CLASSES!) - FAIL - but I am making up for that in a later post...
24. Do kickboxing - do NOT "accidentally" punch anyone - PASS - I felt so damn old in this class
25. Try acupuncture - FAIL
26. Quit Facebook - FAIL (obviously, you're reading this from a Facebook link)
27. Re-design blog (visual, not posts. Lucky you!) - FAIL - creativity is not a strong point of mine
28. Come up with Canadian alias (just in case you need to flee) - PASS - Chastity LeMont
29. Learn to drive a stick shift god-damnit!! - PARTIAL PASS - I'm giving myself this one dammit. I might burn out your clutch but I can get you to a hospital if you cut your finger off in a freak blender accident.
30. Try not to kill your plants - PASS - plants are thriving at their new corporate home (my office)

Not too bad…not too good either. Still though, for an experiment I forgot about this isn't too bad. 

What about you? Is there anything dumb/weird/funny you'd like to do this year?

No Seriously, Where the Hell Have You Been?

Wholly rusty fingers Batman! First of all let me explain, I lost the motivation to write (it wasn't you guys….pinky swear!), it was me. I was not in the best place in my life and was frankly leading a boring life (no one wants to hear about weight or mental issues - you have enough of your own). It was the great Capn Dick who championed another dormant project of mine and encouraged me to find my voice again.

Don't look at me like that, sometimes hippie sayings are true

So on that note, I'm back bitches! Hopefully I have enough stories, adventures planned and random rants at old Chinese ladies to keep you interested. 

Hugs and burritos,
The Commander