I never had formal swimming lessons as a kid - we couldn't afford it. In fact, my earliest swimming memory consists of me simply walking off of the side of the pool at my aunt's apartment complex and standing underwater with my crappy, half-inflated water wings doing nothing that they advertised as I looked at all the legs dangling around me. Even at three years old I realized that this wasn't swimming. Luckily my mother put down her cigarette long enough to notice I was standing at the bottom of the pool and promptly reached in to pull me out by my stringy arm (yay responsible parenting!)
These aren't saving shit!
After that, through kind relatives and Grandma having a pool (above ground because you know, in-ground pools are some rich people shit), I learned how to flail my arms and legs around enough to save my life in a concrete water situation. I could "swim" in the crudest sense of the word or at least, not get laughed at when I went to the City Pool.
What are you laughing at geek?
Fast-forward 25 years - I'm rafting down the American River with the Crow, Gangster Tom and the ultimate River Pirate, Capn Dick. All is well until the river fought back, knocking the Crow AND Gangster Tom out of the boat and into the rushing rapids. Here I was, prepared to jump in after them when Capn Dick (ever the voice of reason) points out that I can't swim for shit. For the record, the Crow and Gangster Tom are very strong swimmers and something tells me they'd be pretty pissed if I drowned in some half-assed rescue attempt. So I paddled with all my might, reaching Gangster Tom right before the water got ugly...like crackhead ugly. Everyone was fine but damnit, it was the first time I realized that I couldn't help my friends (or hell, save myself) if it were me in the rapids. I decided then that even if I had to take the class with a bunch of six year olds, I was gonna take swim lessons!
Like this but a little less gay...or not
Luckily, there is a city pool right by my apartment. So I'll be taking my weekday evenings (in the winter because I can be a lazy dumbass sometimes) learning the basics of swimming. Hopefully next summer I'll be proficient enough to not drown on one of the (hopefully) many rafting pirate outings. And who knows, maybe I can get the word out how water-wings are bullshit. At least now I know what to get my mother for Christmas...I wonder if I can find the orange ones in extra large?
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