How I Became Homeless...and NOT Hooked on Crack

I've got a confession to make - I'm homeless. Ha! Bet you didn't see that one coming. Ok, I wasn't like bummy homeless but still, technically I have no address.

Think he's got a 6-person tent in there?

"Wait Commander, I thought you lived with Charlie and B-Money in the Sunset?" Well, yeah I DID until Charlie decided to take the plunge and move in with his lovely girlfriend (not really a stretch since he lived there six days a week anyways) and I decided that this might be a good time to broaden my horizons by moving to a different hood.

I've been one of the lucky few who have had amazing luck on Craigslist. I've found jobs, apartments, sold stuff, bought stuff and found people with nary a hiccup until I found the unicorn of Craigslist - the apartment that seems too good to be true. Usually, my skeptic nature would cause me to completely disregard the "too good to be true offer".

Example: Like this - except he lives in his mom's basement and has a gnarly case of halitosis

Except it was a lot of things I was looking for - quiet place, close to the Crow, older roommates, in the Haight (i.e. plenty of places to go). I was able to get an interview but right away, I knew something wasn't quite right. The guy seemed...off. He looked at lot like Matt Dillon in "There's Something About Mary" - minus the Chester mustache. He was just creepy and we'll leave it with that. I still cannot explain what made me choose to ignore my gut but when he offered me the place, I took it - and it was the biggest mistake I've made since coming here.

First let's talk about the Haight - it fucking sucks! I knew I didn't like this neighborhood but what I didn't know was how touristy it had become. Wholly crap, they're everywhere! Baby Boomers bring their grandkids to tell them how they used to get high and fight "the man" on THAT street corner (which really means, they smoked oregano and watched a protest in the 60's when they were on break from Cal). It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't invade my favorite bar (sorry Charlie, we'll have to wait longer for rum punch). I won't even get started on how much the Lower Haight sucks (news flash - you can't be a hipster, starving artist neighborhood and get away with selling $14 cheeseburgers you bastards)! Then there's the house I was living at - old, moldy, loud, broken. I got swindled and it pissed me off.  That on top of the realization that creepy roommate was a pill-popping psycho who liked to pick fights. It was only a matter of time when he tried to pick a fight with the wrong bitch - and it got ugly, real ugly. So ugly that I truly believed this guy would stab me in my sleep. It was time to cut my losses and I immediately called the homies for backup. Being amazing, they all offered what help they could but not a place to stay so I had to ask the one person who I knew would be my white knight...

Being the standup guy he is, the Crow swooped in for the rescue and offered to let me stay at his place as long as I needed to. Did I mention he lives in the Tenderloin? Yeah, on the corner of Mug Whitey and Stab Whitey - deep ghetto. Luckily, my frequent trips to the neighborhood have proven to the local crackheads that I am "from the hood" and thus, will not be fucked with.

This is my friend Cracky McCrackerson...jealous?

I was out of the Haight in two days - I sold most of my furniture on Craigslist, Gangster Tom helped move my stuff to Tony's and the Crow welcomed me with open arms (now THAT'S love baby)! I sent the requisite "give me my deposit back or I'm coming after you" email to creepy roommate and copied some of the attorneys I work with just to show I mean business. I've since written the money off.

So here I sit in the Crow's cute, scruffy studio apartment listening to the sounds of the ghetto outside:  police sirens, Korean dramas playing way too loudly on tv's, some crackhead screaming for "Rodney!", pieces of a baptist sermon mixed with Japanese folk music from the music studio next door. I'm not quite ready to call this place home yet but when I look over at the Crow sleeping soundly through all of it, I think it's growing on me. Plus, I now have more street cred than my sister. Take THAT Ghetto Fabulous!